Learning to set healthy personal boundaries is necessary for
maintaining a positive self-concept or self-image. It is our way of
communicating to others that we have self-respect, self-worth and will
not allow others to define us.
Personal
boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we
establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used or
violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are and what we
think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their
presence helps us express ourselves as the unique
individuals we are, while we at the same time acknowledging the same
in others.
Enjoying healthy relationships
would be impossible without the
existence of our personal boundaries and without our willingness to communicate
directly and honestly what they are. This would include recognizing
that we are individuals with our own emotions, needs, attitudes and values.
It would also mean acknowledging that spouses, children, friends and
others are also separate individuals with their own emotions, needs,
attitudes and values.
Setting personal boundaries means preserving your integrity,
taking responsibility for who you are and having control of your life.
How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?
Know that you have a right to personal boundaries.
You
not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how
you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters
permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you
don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a
strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense
of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and
decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing
to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it's been
shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to
violate the boundaries of others.
Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more
important than your own.
Many women have traditionally thought
that the needs of their husbands and children are more important
than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the
healthy functioning of the family dynamic. If a woman is worn out
mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not
only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of
being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage
every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take
care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last not is not
something only women do, but many men as well.
Learn to say no.
Many of us are people pleasers and often
put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone.
We don't want to be selfish so we put our personal needs on the
back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to
our well-being. The fact is, a certain amount of
"selfishness" is necessary for having healthy personal
boundaries. You don't do anyone any favors, least of all
yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.
Identify the actions and behaviors that you find
unacceptable.
Let others know when they've crossed the line,
acted inappropriately or disrespected you in any way. Likewise,
don't be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and
physical space in order to be who you really are without any
pressure to be anything else. Know for yourself what actions you
need to take if your wishes aren't respected.
Trust and believe in yourself.
You are the highest
authority on you. You know
yourself best. You know what you need, what you want and
value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy
boundaries allow you to respect your strengths, abilities and
individuality as well as those of others. Unhealthy imbalance can
occur when you encourage neediness or are needy, want to be
rescued/the rescuer or choose to play the victim.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Going against personal values or rights in order to please
others.
Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
Letting others define you.
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
Feeling bad or guilty when you say no.
Not speaking up when you are treated poorly.
Falling apart so someone can take care of you.
Falling "in love" with someone you barely know or who
reaches out to you.
Accepting advances, touching and sex that you
don't want.
Touching a person without asking.
When we have healthy personal boundaries we are more in touch with
reality, can deal with problems more easily and are better able to
communicate with others. Having boundaries promotes a healthy self-concept,
trust and stability and inspires better relationships.
It's never too late to take the time to be aware of, or to establish
healthy personal boundaries.
